Reconstructing Sarah

letters to isaiah.

2011-10-11T22:18:00.001-04:00

isaiah-

my dearest baby boy, tomorrow you will turn one. so bittersweet. you have lived along side of us for a whole year, you are our family. it has been my greatest pleasure and privilege to watch you grow. i have had the joy of relearning what i take for granted and looking upon the world with fresh eyes. never have i been so strong spiritually as i have over this last year, marveling over your creation, your appearance, your growth even before birth. it has been awesome to experience so intensely such evidence of Christ's sovereignty and mastery. i cherish my time with you and all the happiness you bring. all your slobbery kisses and pats with grubby hands. your toothy smiles and baby breath. i even miss you when you go to bed for the night, checking in on you enough times that i have accidentally woke you. meeting you was one of the most powerful and beautiful moments of my life. i remember thinking i could not ever possibly love you more. and yet, i do. everyday. even more now than when i started this letter. i count myself blessed that God chose me, created me to be your mother. at times, i have failed you over this last year, and i'm sure i will again over the next. but i love you desperately. you came into this world so fragile, so small. and rapidly you have gotten so much bigger, so independent for such a little boy. my heart continually swells and overflows: first a smile, then a laugh, then a roll, then a crawl, and now you are walking with large strides. almost running. on your way to becoming a man i am already so proud of. dear boy, you shine. you are not perfect, but then again who is. what you are, however, is a gift, a spark...a life created with care and intention. even at one year old, i am starting to get glimpses into who you are becoming. you are so serious at times, so inquisitive. you are bashful in certain situations and downright silly before bed time. it's my favorite time. you love to wander and explore. you're not affraid to be alone. you're fascinated by doors. you're stubborn and persistent. half the time you cry when scolded and the other half, you laugh. you're clever and quick. you're sweet but with a temper. you've been a glorious challenge and an unmatched reward. one day you will read this letter, perhaps some time from now, but you might not fully understand it for quite awhile. but i pray one day you'll have your own family, and it will all make perfect sense. what i want you to know is this: this life happens too quickly. don't waste it. i pray that you will love wrecklessly and chase Jesus with all your heart. that you are tough and tender. that you are gentle, a listener. stay simple and wide eyed. be humble and forgiving. laugh often, but take care not to be foolish. fight for the Truth. my son, i love you so greatly. please remember love at such a magnitude is only possible through Christ. isaiah, happy first birthday to you. i will love you always. always.

so very,
momma

my bathtub is a time machine.

2011-07-20T00:08:00.001-04:00

i drew myself a bath, let the water run over my toes. i poured in some salts because i like their grit, and i like the way they smell, though i'm not sure what the fragrance is supposed to be. they are a homemade gift in an unmarked glass bottle. they're sweet and fresh. i've nearly used a third of my portion.

then i poured some more.

and just like that, i found myself somewhere in a memory. i was a little girl in an unnamed apartment...clean and white and empty with firm brown carpet and freshly painted walls. i saw myself exploring, peeking around corners, and pondering adventure. i was there. submerged in this recollection. it was keen and real, and then it was gone. i couldn't tell you how old i was or whose apartment i was in. but the scent of those salts brought me back...through a series of buried connections i found myself in the past. time travel. it was so vividly distinct and so cloudy, like remembering a dream. it shot me through the webs of my subconscious and then snapped me back to my bath.

i don't know if this makes any sense at all. or if it's supposed to. i think the smell of the salts must have reminded me, some version of myself, of painted walls. fresh paint.

this remembering has happened a surprising amount lately. perhaps it's because i live on the farm again...i'm home...stepping over this familiar ground. or maybe it's because now i have a child of my own and find myself reliving the past often, find myself aware of my age. aware that i'm supposed to be an adult, yet excited and envious to watch him grow. i find a part of myself beautifully longing and aching for something that has past away. contemplating breveity. but still, i'm delighted with each fleeting memory...capturing each treasure in a mason jar like children do.

i'm thoroughly enjoying this life, the making and the remembering. the change. from time to time, though, i do admittingly get lost in the photographs, even ones from not even a year ago. when our son was born. the nostalgia is sticky sweet and heavy like smoke. the years lap unyieldingly, flying right on by. i'm amazed at how different everything has become. but what's stranger still, is how much everything is the same.*

*but more on that later.

2011-05-06T15:21:00.000-04:00

so...

ok...this whole seven blogs in seven days thing is going to take a bit longer than i thought.

i'm thinking a month-ish.

no surprise there.

i AM writing the blogs, but found the words only come easy when they're ready.

typical, me

pour.

2011-05-03T23:20:00.000-04:00

i've been thinking. it's time for a change.

lately i've been feeling equal parts both under- and overwhelmed. there's been a lot of busyness combined with a lack of motivation. there's been a lot of waiting and a lot of blind responding. what i mean by of all of this, i guess, is just that i've been suffering from a blurring of priorities. anxiousness. complacency. a lot of wishing with very little doing. basically, i see this version of myself...much lighter, much more proactive, much more fulfilled...a polished version of who i am, and, until now, i haven't been willing to change. and i see this transformation not merely as a destination but as an ever evolving journey.

now, this is a multi-faceted thing i'm dealing with...rooted in the spiritual, the physical, the maternal, the artistic...and on and on...

in terms of this blog, however, my primary goal in creating this space for myself was to connect with fellow artists and creators. to showcase work and follow the lives of those who inspire me. which has happened, quite successfully, to some degree. as in, i feel i have made genuine friendships and have identified areas in which i want to grow and mediums i want to explore. however, i have not managed to actively create anything of my own. not really (in the fine art realm that is). i have a fully stocked studio. i have the time and the opportunity. but fear has made a home in my heart. fear of failure. inadequacy. having been exposed to some very talented, colorful, whimsical people...has indeed left me feeling inspired...but also incapable. dull. unimpressive. such a combination has left my hands empty and this personal space...for the most part...inactive...blank.

this perfectionist, competitive attitude i've harbored for quite some time has tied my hands. and i've allowed it to. and now, i'm ready to push through. i have to. and i can't explain why. my goal is not to worry about whether or not people will love it. or if it's perfect. or if my peers are impressed. i know i have blogged about this before. but really, it's now or never. as most things in life really are.

which brings me to my second realization. i need to use this space. for myself. to document and remember...to purge...and if somebody else out there resonates with what i'm saying...well, that'd be great. but it can't be my motivation. i'm past trying to dazzle and sugarcoat. i do consider myself a positive person. and i do feel, errr, know i am extremely blessed. but i cannot skim things at a surface level any more. i'm hungry to share my burden as well as my joy. i'm done trying to appear endlessly strong. unoffensive. maybe all my photos will be from my phone and maybe my words will be mispelled or incorrectly used and maybe i won't sound sparkly intelligent or witty or create poetry with my syntax. i don't want to fake it. i don't want to rely on acceptance. i don't want to feel forced to write. chained. and i don't want to sound self loathing or pitiful or whiny. what i DO want is to be honest. i want to facilitate my creative process by gaining motivation and momentum through feedback and journaling. i want to document my innermost and speak about issues of the heart, leaving out publically only the very deepest, darkest and most fragile. i want to speak about my art but, more importantly, about my faith...openly and often, if not laced into everything i have to say. i want to encourage, inspire, share, give...i've taken for such a very long time...by purposefully pouring myself out.

i'm going to write seven blogs over the next seven days. i'm going to address fear, anxiety, doubt...and really anything that makes me uncomfortable to talk about.

honestly,
me

playing catch up.

2011-03-29T11:45:00.003-04:00

remember me?

i'm back in this space.

i've missed writing it all, narrating my day to day.

with everything going on, this place has been neglected.

& i felt a sense if pressure about it all.

before i get back into the current,

i thought i'd play a little game of catch up.

photos of my preceeding life.

winter came and went.

and came and went.

overstayed her welcome, really.

she's a temperamental beauty:

valentine's day showed up

in a handmade kind of way.

my heart well is continuously overflowing:

(necklace by HouseThatCrowBuilt)

my little one learned to sleep like this:

(i love that tushy!)

i moved my smithing studio into my dad's glass space

(& i sold my first piece).

i've been practicing and expanding horizons.

the future is full of possibility.

but more on that later:

as of a month or so ago,

i now not only photograph with my husband,

but i have started working with him in the office as well.

it's good for me:

we've been getting acclimated to our new home

on the family farm.

or should i say, reacclimated since it was

my childhood home.

doesn't that sound romantic?

practically speaking, it's been fantastic for our finances,

as well as a great excuse

to purge & consolidate.

it's an unbeatable walk to my momma's house.

it smells earthy and is downright iridescent.

plus, you can't beat the nightsong:

there's been some change,

some growth,

expansion.

family.

friends.

art.

life.

projects:

and then there's this little man.

my heart beat.

he's approaching six months.

time flies, they say.

sai.

sigh.

he's getting so big:

and then spring came like a festival.

sunshine for my marrow:

what have you been up to?

fly,

so, i don't typically do "wordless wednesday" posts, but, if i did...it'd be this.

2011-02-23T01:40:00.000-05:00

bahaha...wait, does laughing count?

hmmm...

oh my stars.

2011-02-23T01:07:00.001-05:00

(isaiah christian, 15 weeks)

i'm in love!

...with a short, pudgy bald(ish) little man.

and boy, oh boy, am i!?

:)

*side note: i tried to actually put this up when it happened...ummm, weeks ago...
but it didn't work. tonight it did. better late than never? why, yes, i think so.

chaos in Christmas town.

2010-12-15T12:40:00.000-05:00

oh, how i adore my nephew.

(though the tiny folks of Christmas town probably

do NOT share my sentiment.)

life is in the details.

2010-12-13T20:14:00.000-05:00

it seems i don't write much anymore.

i have a lot to say,

but i'm still speechless.

fly,

oh my heart.

2010-11-22T14:22:00.000-05:00

oh my.

i love that smile.

:) !!!

the papoose as a pumpkin.

2010-11-21T04:50:00.005-05:00

that's right.

he's the papoose.

we just started calling him that when we brought him home

and got him all nicely swaddled.

actually, paul did.

i had to look up the definition.

but, it turns out, it's a fun word to say.

and fun to rhyme with.

(my husband and i frequently break out into song.

we think our life is a musical.)

so, papoose stuck.

anywhosers.

he's the papoose.

and he's little man.

he's also baby cakes,

cub

and

stinky pete.

but...

he was also a pumpkin head for a day.

;)

and just like that...

2010-10-21T17:50:00.001-04:00

he is here.

Isaiah Christian // 10.11.10 // 1:04PM // 7lbs 8oz // 21 inches

now this is love.

brave little toaster syndrome.

2010-09-26T22:57:00.005-04:00

today is my birthday.

i'm going into 26 feeling heavy and full.

blessed and excited, but full.

a week ago, my grandma's younger sister died.

friday night, my 16-year-old chihuahua died.

today, i am officially one year older.

and tomorrow marks five years since one of
my best friends passed.

and my son is due any day.

i have spent the better part of the last two weeks settling into our farmhouse...

i've been moving at what feels like an incredibly slow speed.

though i do have a self-imposed "deadline"...

i'm trying my pregnant darnedest to get this place ready

(of course i understand he won't care too much about

the state of his first home, but i do).

it has made me so very tired.

it's the same house i lived in when i was little.

but we have it looking completely different.

completely.

then, paul and i spent yesterday hosting a

pathetic little mini yardsale with our main intention being to sell
this antique bedroom suite of mine.

our new home is simply too small,
and i have enjoyed purging all the excess.

however, as i sat there yesterday, watching the cars go by...
most not stopping...i stared at the back of the vanity that has been
in my family's possession for years

(though not an heirloom), and my heart began to ache.

i imagined it to be a person...

standing there on display, not garnering any attention.

no one wanting it. no one thinking it special.

i didn't even want it anymore really.

i saw it as homeless and old and sad and unrecognized
and empty and unappreciated.

over 100 years old and now a has been on the curb.

splendor lost.

i felt like i was casting away a friend
who had been there by my side,

and i cried.

why was i insisting upon changing everything

and choosing to part with something
i could have found a way to keep?

too much change at once.

a little part of me said "hold on a little longer"...

and i tried to explain it to paul...

how sad the furniture looked. how unwanted all the stuff must feel.

he said i was being riduculous and had
brave little toaster syndrome.

he was right of course.

now, i know i am sentimental, and i do feel that it is ok to "love"

certain things, things that bring you great joy and hold special memories...

prizes and treasures,

but i do realize how silly it is to become attached in such a way

that it should ever cause you distress.

stuff is just stuff...the furniture no more than wood and nails.

and there are actual people who deserve
the outpouring of my heart.

tears need not be shed over furniture.

it's just odd how your emotions seep out.

it really was all about change,

about being overwhelmed.

i was really sad about Dottie. sad about Derek.
scared and raw and exhausted

and hormonal (had to throw that one in there)...

and crying during our yardsale at the most random of times.

upheaval.

((and i just trapped a huge spider under a lid and don't have the heart to kill it.

i'm that emotionally confused right now.))

but, let it be known,

ready or not,

of all things crowding my thoughts:

my son will be here soon...

and, for that reason,

i feel a tremendous amount of undeniable, unmistakable joy.

PS. the furniture set DID in fact sell. a lovely couple saw it for all it had to offer,

all its potential, and now it is going off to live with a new family to love it,

restore it, give it new life and purpose.

hopefully, they too will pass it down when it's time.

i'm glad other people choose to own things with a past and a story.

i think we're all connected.

awaiting the fall.

2010-09-15T11:03:00.000-04:00

an honest dose.

2010-09-07T00:20:00.000-04:00

labor day.

sounds innocent enough.

tomorrow i'll be 34 weeks along.

34 weeks.

enough time for a life to be knitted together.

being pregnant has been...

amazing.

inspiring.

challenging.

surprising.

to say the least.

i really had hoped to document the whole experience more.

to take more photos, write out more thoughts and discoveries.

i have managed to keep a simple time line of the when's and how's...

but i think maybe i've been busy living and thinking and feeling

and not as concerned with getting it down.

but i know i'll wish i had...

when this huge step is just another blurry memory.

right now, i'm in the middle of it though.

right now, he's moving my whole entire belly trying to get comfortable.

basically, since finding out we were expecting back in the winter,

it's gone a little something like this:

elation. bewilderment. unquenchable joy. fear. worry. doubt.

guilt. panic. excitement. even greater fear. relief. disbelief.

deep, deep love. anxiety. anticipation.

did i say fear?

i've cried over the Olympics.

i've tossed and turned in bed wanting cantalope so bad i

couldn't sleep.

i've dreamed dreams that could possibly be turned into full length feature films...

sometimes horror flicks.

i've felt too old.

i've felt too young.

i've felt beautiful,

like an empowered goddess,

timelessly connected to the women who lived before me,

like a vessel for growth and mystery.

also, i've felt like a water buffalo.

i have felt spiritually connected.

and emotionally drained.

i've felt so undeservedly blessed.

so, so blessed.

i've enjoyed the attention and pampering,

yet have gotten so tired of not being able to do absolutely everything i'm used to...

i've been tired of being cautious.

i've craved sushi and starbucks very badly.

i've had my mind completely blown by the wonder and power of God

and the intricate details of life and my body's ability to adapt and change.

i've felt time stand still.

i've felt time evaporate.

i've watched my feet swell and my belly grow...and not just my belly.

oh, no, the girls aren't giving up without a fight.

yet, somehow i've only gained 11 pounds?

i've conquered deep rooted fears.

and met new ones.

i've tossed and turned in bed with my back hurting so bad i couldn't sleep.

i've been depressed.

and felt guilty about being depressed.

i've felt like an alien spaceship controlled by a small, highly intelligent being.

i've felt alone.

i've been showered with encouragement and support and affirmation.

i've felt like i'm living out my purpose.

i've fallen more in love with paul.

i've mourned the death of the old me.

and embraced the new one.

and somehow realized i'm exactly the same

though things will forever be different.

no one told me about the hard parts.

i mean, beyond issues of comfort or inconvenience.

no one could have explained the good parts.

words don't even scratch the surface.

i guess i just needed to get some of this off my chest

and out into the world.

perhaps i'll go to bed now...

though i'll be up in two hours to use the bathroom again i'm sure :)

white haven.

2010-08-24T22:38:00.000-04:00

ah, yes, white haven, PA.

a two day layover at paul's aunt and uncle's.

a place of restoration.

you see,

their home is so very lovely.

little curiousities, beautiful touches, antique charm.

the perfect guest room for napping

and possibly the softest carpet my feet have ever known

(think cotton candy).

and their gardens?

i believe they belong around a proper english castle

nestled deep in the countryside.

and while we were there we snacked on

fresh veggies and wild strawberries,

of course.

and, as for robin and don...

well nothing inside or outside their lovely home

could hold a candle

to their beautifully loving and hospitable souls.

it's a...

2010-05-24T21:13:00.000-04:00

BOY, Oh BOY!!!

Close your eyes,

Have no fear,

The monsters gone,

He's on the run and your daddy's here,

Beautiful,

Beautiful, beautiful,

Beautiful Boy,

Before you go to sleep,

Say a little prayer,

Every day in every way,

It's getting better and better,

Beautiful,

Beautiful, beautiful,

Beautiful Boy,

Out on the ocean sailing away,

I can hardly wait,

To see you to come of age,

But I guess we'll both,

Just have to be patient,

Yes it's a long way to go,

But in the meantime,

Before you cross the street,

Take my hand,

Life is just what happens to you,

While your busy making other plans,

Beautiful,

Beautiful, beautiful,

Beautiful Boy

-John Lennon

oh the suspense!!!

2010-05-11T12:59:00.001-04:00

ooooh, baby!

(at 16 weeks, 4 days)

(a pastel sketch to pass the time)

sunday was my first mother's day.

i can't even express how tremendous

my heart felt everytime someone simply reminded me.

i did get some very sweet cards

and a lovely hand knit pot holder.

BUT...

TOMORROW IS MY REAL GIFT.

TOMORROW WE WILL KNOW (hopefully) IF BABY B IS A BOY OR A GIRL!!!!

EEEEEEEK!!!!

what do you think?

i'm thinking a boy...

sometimes i take my tilt shift to south america but don't post anything for 9 months.

2010-05-07T10:22:00.002-04:00

like these from Ecuador, for example. here is La Cienega:

to see more photos from our trip last august...

check out paul's blog.

what kind of soul are you?

2010-05-05T21:55:00.003-04:00

we are on vacation...and it is quite nice

here at the beach.

but i do not have a sandy-footed soul.

i don't resonate with the beach.

it doesn't call for me but once or twice a year.

my soul isn't shaded by palms or walled in by waves

and shifty dunes.

there aren't seagulls sweeping overhead or

wicker furniture in the breeze room of my innermost.

i'm not one to wear shark teeth and puka shells tied to my ankle.

but i do love it here.

it's easy to appreciate the ocean:

the darkness

the vastness

the power

the restraint

the life within

the treasures down deep in its belly

the breeze is weightless

and feels like flying.

everything is laced with salt,

enough to make my laboriously straightened locks

tell the truth and show their messy curls.

my face is sun kissed and

hopefully my feet will take me home to the hills

a little smoother.

i'm really not sure what kind of soul i have living in my chest.

i'll let you know should i ever find out.

what about you?

patience.

2010-05-04T22:28:00.002-04:00

i've been gone for awhile.

i wouldn't be surprised if this doesn't reach anyone at all.

if this blog were a garden, i suppose it'd look something

like the bamboo that has choked out my grandmother's circle of roses beside the driveway of our soon-to-be new old home.

i'm feeling restored now.

these days, i have more and more energy and less and less blah.

these early months of baby making has left me drained.

the onset of all the tremendous change coming our way has had me feeling raw

and chopped off at the roots.

but i am grounded again...

and the grass is lovely and plush,

spongy and green,

like an inviting bed.

i feel, deep down, i was made to artistically create.

lately, there hasn't been a whole lot of that going on.

no silver, no stones, no illustrating...

or quilting or sewing or painting

or ANY of the things i figured i would have mastered by now.

a few sketches every now and then, a few words

when something won't let me rest.

and that's it.

typically, when it comes to "getting it out" -

putting my heart down that is -

i like to do things quickly.

see results instantly.

very childlike, i know.

patience has eluded me

and creative motivation fallen flat.

of course, it doesn't hurt that all my supplies are packed neatly away in storage as we await the completion of renovations on our house.

humph.

but i still feel the pulse.

saturday, paul and i stopped by a fabulous handmade market

in north carolina on our way to the beach.

there were so many talented artists there doing their thing.

and in my depths, a twinge.

THIS IS FOR ME...still.

though i don't know what it looks like yet.

the beautiful jj was there with her table of jewels.

it was such an inspiration to finally meet her...

such a captivating person

(with talent out the wazoo)!

i'm not in school anymore - breathe.

i think i can do this - still.

right now though,

i am taking the time i need, my body needs,

to create thee absolute best thing that could

possibly ever come from my life.

our baby.

and there is no shame in that.

and while it feels like i'm standing still at the moment,

everything is actually happening incredibly fast.

life is unfolding while i type this...

and that, my friends, is some kind of divine art.

lately.

2010-04-13T22:32:00.000-04:00

i want to fly
and live in the tallest redwood tree,
i want to wash up as a shiny treasure
after being cast into the sea.

speed of life.

2010-04-02T10:48:00.000-04:00

WOW.

fly,

sarah beth

not a moment too soon.

2010-03-11T20:38:00.001-05:00

i'm not even sure what thoughts have been occupying my mind lately.
everything is dizzy like the wind.
my head is in the stars, wearing saturn's rings for sunglasses.

i'm 10 weeks pregnant.
it's scary to say that,
it all seems so fragile and delicate.
my secret diamond on the inside.
there is life growing.
the Creator is creating a masterpiece,
and all i have to do is eat, drink, breathe, sleep and
wait.

and we are moving.
same town, different house...
on my family's land.
the original farm house.
it's quite a bit smaller,
but it sits atop a hill as well,
with siding the color of buttery sunshine.
it has a front porch that overlooks one of the ponds.
at night you can hear the peepers in the marsh.
i know this, because it is the house i lived in when i was little.
i'm excited to plant a garden:
strawberries, blackberries, tomatoes, cucumbers, roses...
i'm really nostalgic about the whole idea.
but right now, i'm really tired of packing.
i'm a touch sad about leaving this house,
as it was our first home.
i'm mostly just tired.
i hear that's because i'm pregnant.

i'm excited about spring and all the change it brings.
everything truly is wonderful.
i just opened the front door and
big, fat warm rain drops smacked me on the cheek.

fly,

sarah beth

heavy and light.

2010-02-17T15:54:00.001-05:00

heavy and light.

white enchantment.

surreal pristine.

blanket of diamond dust.

unstoppable.

makes me want to hug the fire.

it's been a long, cold winter.

my toes are nipped.

i'm starting to feel washed out.

bleak.

i want to feel the sun on my cheeks.

the grass under my feet.

frozen sentinels.

heavy & light.

life.

2010-02-15T17:45:00.000-05:00

: )

freebird.

2010-02-09T16:24:00.004-05:00

i finished this piece a few weeks ago.

i threw it together really.

i didn't plan or sketch
or spend too much time trying to make it just right.

i wanted to make something,

to relearn the tools and methods

that seemed so foreign to me.

i didn't want the pressure of perfection...

i can be down right mean to myself sometimes.

so, here she is...

she is my first actual creation in my studio.

she is rough.

she is awkward,

maybe even a little unstable.

but boy, oh boy,

IS SHE FREE!

i made her to remind myself:

to start.

to allow imperfection.

to hold on to freedom.

to fly.

oh, oh - ALSO,

my maker's mark came in the mail!!!

it's my initials...

forming a winged heart.

ahhh, i think it suits me well.

it's official.

fly,

sarah beth

open up the doors to your heart.

2010-02-03T20:28:00.001-05:00

boekell photography,

i.e. my husband and i,

celebrated our new studio space by hosting an open house monday night.

oh my goodness, it was wonderful!

of course, we are very much enamored with the space.

it is roomy, grounded with a mixture of well-worn hard wood and funky checker board tile.

wonderfully odd molding crowns the rooms.

the door knobs and light fixtures appear to be original

and tell stories of the past.

and the copper hood over the stove...

sigh.

she really is a lovely place

(and why she's a she, i don't really know, but she definitely is).

cleaning up scuffs and handprints on the walls,

i caught myself daydreaming of all the lives

lived out in her hollow chest.

maybe i'm a romantic.

of course, regardless

WHERE WE ARE

WHERE WE END UP

we are excited about living out our hearts

and pursuing our dreams.

we are blessed to no end.

we had a tremendous turn out...

we were totally blown away by the outpouring of

love and support

from our friends and family and perfect strangers.

having a space with an artsy aroma and old soul character is great.

following our passion is pretty great, too.

doing life together, my husband and i,...

well, that's a miracle in itself.

but, all of this is because the way He loves us.

He loves us.

THAT is the best part.

fly,

sarah beth

i have something up my sleeve.

2010-01-28T23:09:00.000-05:00

oh me, oh my.

i sure have been lackadaisical this last week.

BUT

i do have something to show you.

well, a few things really.

i made something. in silver.

she's kind of rough around the edges.

but sweet as can be.

AND

there's something else i want to show you...

but its not here just yet.

i feel they go together.

i'll wait til the arrival of the latter

before i show you the wee jewel.

things have been relentless in my little slice of the world.

my husband and i just participated in the 2010 bridal expo...

(think massive amounts of brides and cake samples).

plus we launched a new website and moved into a new studio space.

we are hosting an open house monday night in that new space.

it's an old building which such breathe and character.

i'll post pictures tuesday so you can see our labor of love.

i guess that's it for now.

oh, did you know i love to illustrate?

well, i do.

she's from my senior capstone exhibition.

inspired by geraldine georges.

i've been dreaming up some new ideas lately...

experimenting with texture and incorporating symbolic imagery.

i must say, so far it looks pretty impressive (in my head).

i was set to re-open my etsy shop...oh, a few weeks ago.

but it didn't happen.

i'm not ready, and i'm not going to push it.

i don't need pressure.

i need practice and creativity

and to find my pulse.

plus, silver and supplies are mighty expensive.

thank you for taking the time to read what i have to say.

thank you especially to all those who have sent me messages

and left comments of encouragement.

this really is a great place to find my wings.

fly,

sarah beth

with the sun shining on my back.

2010-01-19T12:33:00.000-05:00

i have begun.

...& other rare birds.

2010-01-16T13:22:00.001-05:00

gather round all of you who are young at heart...

i have a story for you...

of the ice-cream cone coot and other rare birds

"These Highbutton Bobolinks

Croon to the night.

One fits the left foot,

One fits the right."

"Each day you must water your Flowerpot Plume.

The buds in his bird brain are certain to bloom."

"Instead of fine feathers as most other birds,

The Newspaper Peeper is covered with words."

"All ladies agree, this bird is worth knowing.

The Pincushion Piffle will help with the sewing."

"The Gramophone Gullfinch will beautifully sing.

Just put on a record and wind up the spring."

(top to bottom)

"This bird will tip his empty head.

He'll ask you please to fill it.

Pour tea into the Cupadee

And take care not to spill it."

"The Shuttercluck will never sing, nor will he ever fly.

But he can take your picture when he clicks his big round eye."

"Yes, all the birds inside this book

Are very strange and rare,

And I repeat, it would be hard

To find them anywhere.

So do not search your neighborhood

With cage or trap or net,

For not a single boy or girl

Has ever caught one yet."

The End.

when i was little, we would take trips to the milton public library,

and this book was one of my all time favorite selections.

i remember fumbling over the pages, no doubt with sticky kid fingers,

and my imagination would be set into motion.

i have never forgotten it.

my husband located a copy of this book for me as a Christmas gift.

i think i shall cherish it forever.

literary scholar? obviously not.

parent? nope, not yet.

but

my heart is laced with colorful shoe strings and

my soul still wears pony tails.

and even now,

when i skim through my very own copy

decorated with stains of love and age,

i carefully turn the delicate pages

and my imagination is set into motion.

fly,

sarah beth

why?

2010-01-13T12:11:00.002-05:00

last summer i stumbled onto etsy during a google search.

last winter i decided to do some Christmas shopping the

handmade way

and came across this:

Gentled But Not Broken Ring

by thenoisyplume

{{THIS IS NOT MY DESIGN.

IT WAS MADE BY THE TALENTED JILLIAN

AT THE NOISY PLUME!}}

so, i see this image of jillian wearing this

undoubtedly beautiful ring.

intrigued,

i decided to look at her shop and read more about this

giant piece of turquoise.

i read the description

and something inside of me understood.

so, i purchased the ring.

when it arrived, i examined it.

for the first time, i thought about jewelry as art.

i thought about it as having heart strings.

it was no different than the photos and paintings i was finding myself drawn to.

this piece of metal and stone was breathed into life in such a way that

i knew myself better.

i've had jewelry that was important to me,

but not jewelry that was LIKE me...if that makes any sense.

so, even though the ring is a 7.5 and the largest size that fits me is a 7,

i keep it and wear it anyway.

because something still and sleeping was stirred up in my chest, and

i wanted to know how to bend silver and

how to set stones, and

everything in me that i had been trying to pour into my art

was pounding around begging to be laid in metal.

i asked my teachers what they knew about silversmithing.

i looked up videos on youtube.

around the time i graduated college,

i remember telling my husband i found a class i wanted to take.

he agreed, and

in july i was there.

by the last few days, i stayed in the studio the entire day.

the teacher would leave for lunch and dinner...

my friend and i ordered in.

i just didn't want to stop.

since then, i have slowly been stowing away cabs,

collecting supplies,

hoarding sketches,

and trying to gain confidence.

and that's where i'm stuck.

i have a studio.

more than enough supplies to begin.

plenty of ideas.

an etsy shop.

notes from people i believe in tacked to my board,

ready to enourage and inspire.

but. i'm. frozen.

why is that?

why am i so scared to fail?

why am i not living my heart?

why am i blogging right now instead of playing with my torch?

why?

has anyone else ever felt this way?

ugh.

fly,

sarah beth

dear anthropologie.

2010-01-07T11:45:00.003-05:00

i'm wishing this will go on sale sometime in 2010.

shedding skin.

2010-01-05T12:26:00.002-05:00

i close my eyes, and it's 2010.

2010.

This past year has held its weight with little victories, obstacles, great joys, failures, bright new ideas, fresh perspectives, old habits, new friends, and the kind of gradual change that goes unnoticed until you step back and see how different things really are.

have you ever thought..."where was i this time last year?"

"what was i doing?"

it's remarkable how many things have shaped my life

in just the past five years.

even last year really.

i graduated college with a fine arts degree, had my first show, gained enough weight that i feel uncomfortable, traveled to south america, celebrated my one year anniversary with my husband, hit the one quarter of a century mark, transformed our house into a home, decided i wanted to make jewelry, got my first paying freelance job, quit my first paying freelance job, got a new photo studio, a new art studio, and almost lost my grandmaw.

yep.

that's 2009 for you.

the brevity of it all has been crushing me slightly.

this chain of moments upon moments, fleeting seconds.

already another has gone by.

and another.

i love a blank slate. a start over. a redo. forgiveness.

the baggage of the past can be a weighty thing when it goes unchecked.

i love the idea of a new year.

resolutions.

what am i going to do differently?

i need a schedule. i want to write those 'thank you's' and say those 'i love you's.' treat myself better. no fears, i want to just do it (i think i may have heard this somewhere before?). be a better wife, daughter, granddaughter, friend. i need to create more, plan more, plan less...

to name a few.

but here's the doozy:

by nature, i'm an over-thinker.

have been since i was kid.

we just recently watched a home video from when i was in second grade. i patiently waited my turn. i stayed in the back of the huddle until everyone else was finished talking to our teacher, mrs. brown, and giving her her Christmas gifts. the whole time i was drinking it in. you could definitely tell. i was studying. thinking. about what, i have no idea.

but i was in it.

and i still am.

which, can be a good thing.

but i think i'm in it over my head sometimes.

some things don't require thinking, as much as enjoying and feeling.

i do often tell myself:

"sarah, slow down. take it in. absorb it all til it's
dry as a bone."

what i have an even harder time with is:

"sarah, slow down. let it go. stop obsessing. stop thinking about THAT.

please just let it go, you are missing it."

because someone once told me,

"wherever you are, be all there."

so, of all things i hope to master this year, i think i need to go back to the very basics.

stop over-thinking.

don't worry about so much. don't compare myself so frequently.

don't hesitate, don't look back.

breathe. taste. feel. touch. listen. smell. rest. work. laugh. love. cry.

don't try to wrap my head around it.

just drink it in.

the flight out.

2009-12-30T23:51:00.001-05:00

like a midnight ocean,
restless,
little pockets of lights
dancing in its belly.

our lives grow ever smaller,
unrecognizable.
clouds of foam splash against hills,
break themsleves open,
swallowing up our diamonds.

soon an indigo expanse
silently rippling as far as my eyes can take me.
frozen it waits for the first reaches of dawn
and her brilliant light.

and i pretend we really do live at the bottom of the sea.

why, Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T21:37:00.002-05:00

sheets of metal,

solder,

tweezers,

hammers,

pickle,

patina,

saw blades,

stamps,

wire,

tongs,

bezel roller...

AND a partridge in a pear tree :)

oh, yes...that means...surely it's true...jewelry time in 2010!!!!

hold on to your britches!

check back in a few weeks to see my progress...or perhaps,

but hopefully not, my lack there of.

i have oh so many ideas i can't wait to share with you.

right now, life is beating with the very rhythm of my soul.

hope your Christmas was/is merry and bright...
snuggle up with your dear ones and watch those lights dance.
today is the most wonderful of birthdays!

oh, AND we're leaving saturday to shoot a wedding in california
like a couple of hot shots (pssssh!)...

that means....see you in 2010!!!

PEACE,

sarah beth

risen with healing in His wings.

2009-12-17T01:07:00.004-05:00

Hark! the herald angels sing,
"Glory to the new born King,

peace on earth, and mercy mild,

God and sinners reconciled!"

Joyful, all ye nations rise,

join the triumph of the skies;

with th' angelic host proclaim,

"Christ is born in Bethlehem!"

Hark! the herald angels sing,

"Glory to the new born King!"

Christ, by highest heaven adored;

Christ, the everlasting Lord;

late in time behold Him come,

offspring of a virgin's womb.

Veiled in flesh the Godhead see;

hail th' incarnate Deity,

pleased with us in flesh to dwell,

Jesus, our Emmanuel.

Hark! the herald angels sing,

"Glory to the new born King!"

Hail the heaven-born Prince of Peace!

Hail the Sun of Righteousness!

Light and life to all He brings,

risen with healing in His wings.

Mild He lays His glory by,

born that we no more may die,

born to raise us from the earth,

born to give us second birth.

Hark! the herald angels sing,

"Glory to the new born King!"

thinking about the words,

letting them sink in.

holidaze.

2009-11-30T15:15:00.002-05:00

and...back to normal.

last year, our thanksgiving went a little something like this:

drive

show up with nothing more than an empty belly

parade

eat

dog show

sleep

football

drive

eat

movies

sleep

pie

drive

sleep

however, this year, with thanks to paul's gracious family, we hosted our first thanksgiving.

instead of the normal rat race, there was one meal large enough to accomodate both our families.

the night before i helped whip up some pies, a mound of sweet potato casserole, dough for the bread,

and cook thee turkey.

the food was delish, but the sense of accomplishment was pretty tasty, too.

it has been wonderful converting this house into a home.

to our home.

i love the chaos.

the kids running around, completely disengaged from reality.

the conversations.

the belly laughs.

each chair we own being utilized.

the doors opening and closing and hellos and goodbyes.

of course, the calm after the storm is nice, too.

me and paul laying on the couch...

digesting food and love,

thinking about what just happened

and how good it feels not

to have spent the entire day driving and dividing time.

but how much better it feels to quite literally be surrounded by people you love.

happy sleep is so very deep.

friday was early rising followed by focused shopping.

...successful shopping

((minus the shop vac that sold out immediately)),

followed by male bonding time.

meets office space...

saturday morning marked my third year participating in the

boekell family tree harvest.

now, i have always been a let's put the tree together girl.

my mom and i would lay out the branches according to their color code,

sometimes guessing at the faded dots,

and snap 'em in place.

it was a fun tradition, mostly just being with my mom.

but that tree has since passed.

and i am thoroughly enjoying the process of picking out a live tree:

packing into one large car, the nippy air, the searching and surveying, the smells,

the sweet sap, the feel of the branches, the families walking around just a few rows over,

the excitement, the tradition, the small labor of love, the Christmas music on the drive,

imagining and pretending and visualizing and making memories.

& taking silly photos.

tree hug-n-kisser.

sweaters with the sister-in-love

AND i love decorating for Christmas.

my soul shines and melts when the living room twinkles.

sharing my home, my heart, and my tree with the love of my life...

everything feels right. simple. pure. happy.

our ornaments are starting to have stories.

we laugh as we unwrap and remember.

my favorite being the snurtle ornament from our honyemoon.

((snurtle: when one is too excited to say snorkeling with sea turtles so instead blurts out snurtling))

we've ate, loved, talked, entertained, hosted,

danced, cried, and slept very little.

now, back to "everyday" life.

but i am not motivated.

there is too much turkey in my veins.

pittsburgh photo contest winner.

2009-11-21T21:29:00.001-05:00

it's unbelievably rare to capture an arabian princess
in her natural habitat.

just another day 'round here.

2009-11-20T00:23:00.000-05:00

the daily grind.

<< disclaimer: why, yes, i am aware that my fluffy dog is actually a small pig. i am also aware that barnabas slightly resembles a dinosaur, especially if you pay close attention to the giant ski slope of a bump between his ears >>

<< and, ps, i had to google dinosaur to make sure i spelled it right...it's been a deceivingly long time since i used it in a sentence >>

i'm not dead.

2009-11-16T13:32:00.003-05:00

just breathing shallow and laying low.

a few minutes ago i stepped out to get the mail in my shorts. i'm enjoying the unpredictable fade of our indian summer. it's mid-november, and the sky is warm white. the trees have been stripped, but stand tall in grey resilience. except for the row of trees climbing up our driveway - they are still grasping their fiery coats. i'm cheering them on: "hold tighter" i said as i watched a few of their leaves float away on my way to the empty mailbox. i should have know the mail would be slow on monday, but i was itching to feel the sun (and see if my stones arrived)...

on my way back up the hill, i caught a glimpse of the mail truck winding down the road a few houses up. so, i plopped down in the grass to wait. it always feels so good to stretch out in the grass (even when it's brittle and feels more like spiky turf than a shag rug). i tried breathing in the sun to make my throat feel better (yep, i'm sick, but hold that thought). i let the slow breeze that hugs the earth
move over me.

whilst i lay there, undoubtedly concerning my neighbors that i really am dead, i watched my dogs smell, taste, prance about, and, inevitably, have a run on with the beckett's lab. he likes to walk in our yard. my little ones, however, do not like this so much. by the time the mail arrived, the rogue was sniffing out a spot to pee on our mailbox. so, when mrs. mailman dropped off the goods, she also dropped him a treat. by the time my pups got to it, the treat had been gobbled up...armi did manage to lick up a few crumbs, as always. on the way back to the house (stones in hand!), i heard one of the golden retrievers up the road whining that he wasn't involved
in the going ons.

i'm not sure if my little life is blessed or perhaps a little sad that i can become so enthralled with neighborhood dog drama.

in other news...

we just got back from a brisk weekend in pittsburgh. while i did get to make a new acquaintance, eat some great BBQ, spend time with people i love, and visit the museum of contemporary craft, i was stricken with a head cold and spend saturday night cooped up with my husband in our hotel room. we stayed in and ate food from sheetz...and i had tissues dangling out of my nose in a very nostril meets walrus type fashion. which is extremely attractive by the way.
but it was wonderful all the same.

a quick update then i'm off to take a very warm shower:

i am on my way to having all my silversmithing supplies, AND i have a snazzy studio space set up (in the garage, but, hey...better than nothing!). so, i'm on track to getting where i want to be very soon. please be patient.

ok, i'm off to get ready to check out a possible new studio space for boekell photography and to head to ohio for chili night with some great friends.

FLY.

somewhere.

2009-11-12T22:01:00.002-05:00

break and mend.

weeping willow.

2009-11-04T14:25:00.004-05:00

There was once a wispy girl named Willow who lived in the not so distant now. Everyone in Willow's town knew her name, but they no longer cried out to her when they passed her in the streets on her way to piano lessons. They had learned not to look upon her face. She had grown to prefer the distance for it was much better than the heckles that would ring in her ears long after the moon was hung.

Little Willow's complexion was dewy and fair, and sweeping her shoulders was a black river of hair. Of all of her features, the most striking was unquestionably her dim blue eyes, the very color of sunlight piercing water's veil.

And Willow cried so very easily.

Look upon her with a furrowed brow and her heart would break right open. A mere glimpse of a gaping sunset and she would drown the wind with her joy.

The thing about Willow is that she had feathers for tears: fine, stout, lighter than air. Everytime she cried, her tears would fly to Heaven, sailing on the deep blue sky.

With each blurry eye, she shed her soul and was set free.

so it is.

2009-11-02T11:46:00.004-05:00

at the beginning of july i took a risk.

the only things at stake:

a few bucks

a pinch of my time

and a slice of my heart.

my little etsy shop has been open for nearly 4 months...

with zero sales.

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't discouraged.

i'd also be lying if i said i had invested myself into all of my work 100%...

which has only been some of my photographs.

the truth is i've been in a stalling pattern, waiting,

for more time, more ideas, more money for supplies to create the work

that is spilling out of my soul.

the other bit of the truth is that i'm cheating myself.

i'm not pouring myself out.

as much as i want to be able to survive as an artist by making sales

and having people respond to what i'm doing,

this is also for me...

my spirit

and my mind that keeps turning

and the sketchbooks with all the ideas

and even those little slivers of paper i write on
to get my ideas down

so i can sleep soundly knowing they are safely cemented

and not dissolving as i dream.

i love photography.

but there is so much more inside of me.

my illustrations are dormant.

my transfers are still unborn.

and my silver has yet to know an audience

(i guess that's because i haven't made anything except what i learned in class).

BUT

everything is coming into fruition.

i am just a few more weeks hopefully from having all of the silversmithing supplies i need.

however, until everything is ready,

my store is closing.
partly because i'm embarassed,
but mostly because i want a new chance at unveiling.

i hope to reopen in january with more pieces of me.

if there are still no sales...

well, that's ok.

the shop is a platform to ensure my creativity
doesn't shrivel up

under the weight of the real world.

that it doesn't disppear in the crowd of

housework, obligation, and one day "mommy."
as long as there is possibility,
i will try
and have fun making things.

i hope to always create.

i hope to always take photographs for me.

it would just be nice to be reimbursed.

it would be even nicer

to inaudibly speak to someone through an image

or a sleek silver morsel.

this isn't a poor me

or a shame on you.

it's a thank you for encouraging

and inspiring.

i'm still going to journal...errrr, blog...

because i have to unload my heart.

but the shop will close tonight.

and it i will come back alive in the new year

and, until then,

i will be pushing myself.

fly,

sarah

{{ i've used the word hope a lot, that's probably a good thing }}

adventures of david(ette) the gnome.

2009-10-27T11:35:00.004-04:00

sometimes we get paid to take pictures in beautiful parks.
and then they pay for us to stay the night in a cottage.
and then we take pictures for fun.

i guess this really doesn't have anything to do with

david the gnome.

but it was a pretty awesome show.

sometimes you can have your cake...

2009-10-19T15:20:00.001-04:00

and eat it, too.

love 365

2009-10-18T00:09:00.004-04:00

Wedding Day Slideshow @ Yahoo! Video

it was friendship at first sight. we shared an 8am studio class

(in which the two of us should have never been in at the same time, but life's funny that way).

i told him his head looked like a lollipop and immediately wanted to know him and for him to know me.

he thought i was cute, but shallow, so we took our time.

he has inspired me from day one.

i was drawn to his talent, his sense of humor, his boldness, his morals...

and those eyes of his that pulled me into a calm i hadn't known.

i wanted him to be my best friend.

i wanted him to be my hero.

i wanted him to be my resting place, my home.

i wanted him to love me.

of course, the timing was off, not once, but twice.

but then, just like that...it wasn't.

7.7.07 we decided we were a "we"

11.12.07 we decided we were in love and going to get married.

10.18.08 we did just that.

365 days of:

learning

one star meals

tremendous growth

trust

pure and utter silliness

pure and honest support

adventures

sharing sight

family

mistakes

apologies

forgiveness

laughter

tears

LOVE

i love my husband.

we do life together.

and, for that, i am blessed.

you're invited.

2009-10-16T23:03:00.005-04:00

pity party, officially over.

thank you to those who helped brighten my day

and lighten my load-

it means heaps and heaps,

and i appreciate you to pieces!

anyway, enough about that silly sass...

so,

paul and i will be celebrating our one year sunday.

i want to shout it from the rooftops i love him so.

in preparation for our upcoming festivities, i thought i'd share with you

some visuals from sweetest day, 2008.

consider yourself invited to our wedding (in pictures)

from one year ago.

i wish you could have been there.

(or maybe you were)

photos by mandi

she's wonderful.

actaully, she's incredible!

look her up.

i will share some thoughts with you on paul and love

and marriage and year one tomorrow when i have time to digest everything.

now, i must go play pit with some of the

greatest people on the planet.

2009-10-16T14:33:00.002-04:00

today. i. feel. defeated.

i just stood outside in cold grey watching my breath crumble as i hollered for armani to come inside. he was having a pissing match with the neighbor's dog (who was running loose, as always). normally, i find it endearing that my 15 lb. fluff ball of a dog tries to stand his ground against sheep dogs and labradors much larger than he. today, not so much.
i felt invisible and ignored by my own dog.

my eyes feel hot and unsteady.
my hands incapable. my strength inadequate.

and my tooth aches.

i feel like i am watching others succeed while i sit on my hands.

i can't seem to get it together.

i am sucking at life.

i wish the sun would come out.

i'll feel better tomorrow.

handwritten blog.

2009-10-15T22:31:00.005-04:00

the light from within.

2009-10-14T14:26:00.003-04:00

the light from within
sealed tightly in its cage
only keeps the soul from going blind

it has been known
to shoot from fingertips
ride away on deep breaths
radiate around twin portholes
not fixed in one direction
seep into words of affirmation
overflow when trapped to long

shadows slink away
cower from the glow
our light is made to shine

light from within series.

in the shop tonight.

cab city, USA

2009-10-13T17:04:00.001-04:00

or maybe a tiny cab village.

my newest acquisitions:

yum.

amethyst druzy, two large-and-in-charge ocean jaspers,

texas white plume agate,

bruneau jasper with a splendid inner feather,

scrumptious malachite, and a tiny baby jasper.

i have the ideas.

i have the stones.

but the silver, i have not.

nor torch.

but, thanks to advice from dear rosy, i will soon :)

let's get some shoes.

2009-10-12T11:13:00.000-04:00

Jeffrey Campbell Michelle Gold Ruffle Unicorn Heel

fab.u.lous.

and i don't even wear heels.

i prefer to stay close to the ground.

but i recognize art when i see it,...

and i, my friends, am in shoe love.

i could eat you up, i love you so.

2009-10-10T19:49:00.000-04:00

he ain't nothin but a hound dog...

2009-10-10T12:32:00.003-04:00

cryin all the time.

well, he ain't never caught a rabbit,

and he ain't no friend of mine...

when they said he was high classed,

well, that was just a lie.

he ain't never caught a rabbit,

and he ain't no friend of mine.

today is a good day.

2009-10-06T17:02:00.001-04:00

1. finished up some free lance jobs.

YESSSS.

2. and actually feel full to the brim with creativity

(hmm, now only if i had the supplies i need -

anyone know where to get a deal on

silversmithing supplies?)

3. stared down some chores.

4. paul tackled the field...i.e. our yard

5. barnabas loves his bone.

6. feeling well rested from our over nighter at the cottage.

7. paul has an appointment with a potential wedding client...right...NOW.

8. and i have a fresh batch of photos taken.

9. looking forward to a night of:

spaghetti

art magazines

sketching

writing

paul

a hot bath

and the office.

after the storm.

2009-10-04T00:15:00.000-04:00

like a renaissance painting.

pumpkin festivus, i heart thee

2009-10-03T20:32:00.001-04:00

i'm from an impossibly small town, and i have lived here my entire life...with the exception of my first few years (in which i lived in an even smaller town right beside the one i'm in now) and a five year stint across the river in the southern most point of ohio while i went to college. and, now, i'm back.

our town has a fairly microscopic existance; milton, a blip on the state map. everyone knows everyone here. plenty of "how are so-and-so's?" and "good to see you's!"...which i have come to appreciate (though at times, knowing EVERYTHING is a little less than ideal). the main road is partially tree-lined and is composed of a whopping two red lights. there's a handful of fast food staples, but the rest are yummy local mainstays (such as the former granny k's) and a couple of international eateries for the culturally inclined...which consists of a chinese buffet and a tiny mexican restaurant. aside from the bare necessities of small town life, milton is rich in consignment shops, antique stores, a renowned glass factory, and one sprawling flea market hot spot complete with a delicious farmer's market. our town has an old soul. no malls, fancy boutiques, night clubs, or snazzy diners around these parts. i say all this, but keep in mind the town is right smack dab between the capital city and a college town, so there's no shortage of adventure within a few minutes drive either direction. it's just country enough.

what our town DOES have is the annual wv pumpkin festival. go on, smirk if you will. but milton rolls out the proverbial red carpet for this grandest of fall festivals. those with houses or shops along main street dress up their yards in halloween spook-dom, harvest themes, and pumpkin decor of all fashions. day one of the festival, and everyone is out and about, sweeping up the side walk. pumpkin flavor everything is abundant throughout town, along with little yard sales and craft booths.

it feels really exciting to see our little town come alive.

i quite literally grew up intertwined with ye ole pumpkin fest. i won the beauty pagaent at age four (eat your heart out)...the same day i "met" my dad for the first time. that's right, at the pumpkin festival. and i have the trio of painted wooden kittens he bought me to prove it. anyway, i have been in the parade numberous times, by float and by horse. i have walked to the fair grounds for many a field trip in search of ribbon garlands, oddly shaped gourds, and honey sticks with the hopes that my heart throb would snag me a single rose (or two if he really loved me!) from ruby, the florist, who used to have a little flower booth. sigh.

then, once upon two years ago, where did my husband ask my mom for permission to marry me?

while strolling through one of the craft tents at the pumpkin fest, of course...where else?

oh yes, i love the pumpkin festival. and our town.

if you are ever in milton ,wv, the first weekend of october and have a hankering for some pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin rolls, pumpkin butter, or perhaps some pumpkin fudge, please stop by the festival. there's folksy music and heaping fair food for you and a hay maze for the little pumpkinettes (among other things).

maybe you'll even spot the giant pumpkin or catch a glimpse of the elusive pumpkin queen.

who am i kidding? you'll definitely spot the giant pumpkin!

here's how paul and i (plus some cousins and a dear friend) spent our thursday night:

{{ no, your monitor is not deceiving you...that is an actual 1140 lb vegetable }}

all that and a pumpkin mushroom on top.

happy festivus, ya'll!

"what's the word that's burning in your heart?"

2009-09-30T21:48:00.000-04:00

garden state (2004)

sometimes we just have to feel, ya know?

pumpkin pie season

2009-09-29T13:51:00.003-04:00

oh goodness gracious,

there is a zesty nip in the air here in the wv hills.

and it seems this morning it has shot right to the hearts of all of us here on

mockingbird drive...

invigorating us and putting some fiest in our step!

even the mini horses by our driveway are tromping and biting.

i can almost smell the warm buzz of the heater...

awaking from its long sleep...

being put to use for the first time this season.

it won't be long til the frost starts to blanket and sparkle...

and the smell of Christmas pine permeates our home.

isn't autumn grand?

so warm and crisp at the same time.

i think so.

1984

2009-09-28T15:24:00.005-04:00

Once upon a time

there was a girl.

she grew up on love,

and like a spring bud she sprang up tall and thirsty.

she lived on a farm

with hills of earth thrust up under her feet

and fields dotted with the deep purple of iron weeds.

she lived with her very own heroes.

she played in the creek bed

and in the caves,

and on long walks she imagined and became.

and the girl grew up this way.

her faith grew strong,

and her heart grew wings...

blessed with love and friendship

and forgiveness and dreams

and art and sunsets and trees.

one day she discovered her very own prince,

but she didn't need him to rescue her.

just to love her.

and he did.

and he does.

and now that this girl has grown up,

she realizes she isn't grown up at all.

just the same girl with an older soul.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

saturday was my 25th birthday...

and boy, oh boy...

it was a great one

thanks to my family and soulmates

and, especially, my hubby.

thee, ummmm, four day event included:

day one.

surprise dinner of stuffed shells

(which paul learned to make just for the occasion)

day two.

no flip breakfast with dear friends,

shopping with my momma and grandma (aka the skinny)

followed by olive garden dinner and chocolate cake

day three.

5k walk in the most wonderfully refreshing rain

(which actually ended up being only one mile....

happy birthday to me!),

lunch at greek fest

(gyros and baklava and kourambiethes, oh my!),

a visit from a bestest dropping off a handmade gift,

brief napping,

sushi and dessert and baltimore zoos and laughs

(and a glorious rainbow streaked sky)

with my soulmates

day four.

sunday worship,

yummy bbq from buddy's,

glazing pottery,

coldstone birthday cake in a cup

(cake batter + yellow cake + caramel + sprinkles+ whip cream = hello, treadmill!),

goofy golf, i mean, putt-putt (ps i won),

billy bob's wonderland games

(and then relinquishing the tickets to some kiddos),

starbucks spiced cider,

reflexology,

reflecting,

and a movie date with the hubbs...

eeeeek! did i really do all that?

no wonder i slept til noon :)

25 sure feels nice.

forever young.

2009-09-27T22:53:00.001-04:00

four years ago today was "the call"...

you know the one,

or maybe you don't yet,

but the kind of call that changes you at your deepest core.

the call the leaves your soul in a knot right in your throat...

making the truth almost unbearable to swallow.

the call that spins the room into slow motion.

we met in anatomy class and became friends at an away game.

he was diagnosed with cancer our senior year.

they say he beat it.

Derek

a true blue-

like family-

no pretending-

best friend-

kind of friend.

the one i compare other friendships to.

one of my truest friends and greatest blessings.

i carry him with me deep in my heart,

tangled up in love,

tucked into some of the happiest places my memory leads me...

and some of the hardest.

i'm at peace, but it's amazing how fresh it can seem.

at times, i suppose it always will.

it's hard, too, you know...

knowing he'll never be older.

knowing he'll never hold his babies.

knowing he'll never meet paul,

especially because i know they'd be great friends.

but God is sovereign.

what i mean by all this is:

play.

love on your people.

love on them until your eyes are heavy...

then fall asleep holding them in your heart.

be a sponge of the soul...

soak them up, and saturate them with everything you have.

i know it's hard.

i am constantly reminding myself,

but life is short and love is abundant.

say your heart NOW.

forgive. forgive. forgive.

build them up.

tell them they are IRREPLACEABLE.

because they are.

and they need to know it.

have wrestling matches with him.

cry with him.

laugh with him everyday, because, let's face it,

he makes your heart light and your smile shine.

hold his hand when he is scared.

build a tent in your living room with him.

watch his favorite movies, even if they are terrible.

listen to what he is afraid of.

let him listen to you.

let him hold your head during your first migraine.

wear sombreros with him to dairy queen.

tell him you love him and that everything is okay.

tell him he's changed everything.

DKM

1984-2005

an entire life represented by the smallest dash.

what about your dash?

what will you remember?

what will you leave?

no regrets.

if you have the time,

these are worth your while:

To Write Love on Her Arms

AFSP

Who You'd be Today

TELL THEM.