letters to isaiah.



isaiah-


my dearest baby boy, tomorrow you will turn one. so bittersweet. you have lived along side of us for a whole year, you are our family. it has been my greatest pleasure and privilege to watch you grow. i have had the joy of relearning what i take for granted and looking upon the world with fresh eyes. never have i been so strong spiritually as i have over this last year, marveling over your creation, your appearance, your growth even before birth. it has been awesome to experience so intensely such evidence of Christ's sovereignty and mastery. i cherish my time with you and all the happiness you bring. all your slobbery kisses and pats with grubby hands. your toothy smiles and baby breath. i even miss you when you go to bed for the night, checking in on you enough times that i have accidentally woke you. meeting you was one of the most powerful and beautiful moments of my life. i remember thinking i could not ever possibly love you more. and yet, i do. everyday. even more now than when i started this letter. i count myself blessed that God chose me, created me to be your mother. at times, i have failed you over this last year, and i'm sure i will again over the next. but i love you desperately. you came into this world so fragile, so small. and rapidly you have gotten so much bigger, so independent for such a little boy. my heart continually swells and overflows: first a smile, then a laugh, then a roll, then a crawl, and now you are walking with large strides. almost running. on your way to becoming a man i am already so proud of. dear boy, you shine. you are not perfect, but then again who is. what you are, however, is a gift, a spark...a life created with care and intention. even at one year old, i am starting to get glimpses into who you are becoming. you are so serious at times, so inquisitive. you are bashful in certain situations and downright silly before bed time. it's my favorite time. you love to wander and explore. you're not affraid to be alone. you're fascinated by doors. you're stubborn and persistent. half the time you cry when scolded and the other half, you laugh. you're clever and quick. you're sweet but with a temper. you've been a glorious challenge and an unmatched reward. one day you will read this letter, perhaps some time from now, but you might not fully understand it for quite awhile. but i pray one day you'll have your own family, and it will all make perfect sense. what i want you to know is this: this life happens too quickly. don't waste it. i pray that you will love wrecklessly and chase Jesus with all your heart. that you are tough and tender. that you are gentle, a listener. stay simple and wide eyed. be humble and forgiving. laugh often, but take care not to be foolish. fight for the Truth. my son, i love you so greatly. please remember love at such a magnitude is only possible through Christ. isaiah, happy first birthday to you. i will love you always. always.
 
 
so very,
momma

and just like that...

he is here.

Isaiah Christian // 10.11.10 // 1:04PM // 7lbs 8oz // 21 inches

now this is love.

brave little toaster syndrome.

today is my birthday.

i'm going into 26 feeling heavy and full.

blessed and excited, but full.

a week ago, my grandma's younger sister died.

friday night, my 16-year-old chihuahua died.

today, i am officially one year older.

and tomorrow marks five years since one of
my best friends passed.

and my son is due any day. 

i have spent the better part of the last two weeks settling into our farmhouse...

i've been moving at what feels like an incredibly slow speed.

though i do have a self-imposed "deadline"...

i'm trying my pregnant darnedest to get this place ready

(of course i understand he won't care too much about

 the state of his first home, but i do).

it has made me so very tired.

it's the same house i lived in when i was little.

but we have it looking completely different.

completely.

then, paul and i spent yesterday hosting a

pathetic little mini yardsale with our main intention being to sell
this antique bedroom suite of mine.

our new home is simply too small,
and i have enjoyed purging all the excess.

however, as i sat there yesterday, watching the cars go by...
most not stopping...i stared at the back of the vanity that has been
 in my family's possession for years

(though not an heirloom), and my heart began to ache.

i imagined it to be a person...

standing there on display, not garnering any attention.

no one wanting it. no one thinking it special.

i didn't even want it anymore really.

i saw it as homeless and old and sad and unrecognized
and empty and unappreciated.

over 100 years old and now a has been on the curb.

splendor lost.

i felt like i was casting away a friend
who had been there by my side,

and i cried.

why was i insisting upon changing everything

and choosing to part with something
i could have found a way to keep?

too much change at once.

a little part of me said "hold on a little longer"...

and i tried to explain it to paul...

how sad the furniture looked. how unwanted all the stuff must feel.

he said i was being riduculous and had
brave little toaster syndrome.

he was right of course.

now, i know i am sentimental, and i do feel that it is ok to "love"

certain things, things that bring you great joy and hold special memories...

prizes and treasures,

but i do realize how silly it is to become attached in such a way

that it should ever cause you distress.

stuff is just stuff...the furniture no more than wood and nails.

and there are actual people who deserve
the outpouring of my heart.

tears need not be shed over furniture.

it's just odd how your emotions seep out.

it really was all about change,

about being overwhelmed.

i was really sad about Dottie. sad about Derek.
scared and raw and exhausted

and hormonal (had to throw that one in there)...

and crying during our yardsale at the most random of times.

upheaval.

((and i just trapped a huge spider under a lid and don't have the heart to kill it.

i'm that emotionally confused right now.))

but, let it be known,

ready or not,

of all things crowding my thoughts:

my son will be here soon...

and, for that reason,

i feel a tremendous amount of undeniable, unmistakable joy.

PS. the furniture set DID in fact sell. a lovely couple saw it for all it had to offer,

all its potential, and now it is going off to live with a new family to love it,

restore it, give it new life and purpose.

hopefully, they too will pass it down when it's time.

i'm glad other people choose to own things with a past and a story.

i think we're all connected.

1984

Once upon a time

there was a girl.

she grew up on love,

and like a spring bud she sprang up tall and thirsty.

she lived on a farm

with hills of earth thrust up under her feet

and fields dotted with the deep purple of  iron weeds.

she lived with her very own heroes.

she played in the creek bed

and in the caves,

and on long walks she imagined and became.

and the girl grew up this way.

her faith grew strong,

and her heart grew wings...

 blessed with love and friendship

and forgiveness and dreams

and art and sunsets and trees.

one day she discovered her very own prince,

but she didn't need him to rescue her.

just to love her.

and he did.

and he does.

and now that this girl has grown up,

she realizes she isn't grown up at all.

just the same girl with an older soul.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

saturday was my 25th birthday...

and boy, oh boy...

it was a great one

thanks to my family and soulmates

and, especially, my hubby.

thee, ummmm, four day event included:

day one.

surprise dinner of stuffed shells

(which paul learned to make just for the occasion)

day two.

no flip breakfast with dear friends,

shopping with my momma and grandma (aka the skinny)

followed by olive garden dinner and chocolate cake

day three.

5k walk in the most wonderfully refreshing rain

(which actually ended up being only one mile....

happy birthday to me!),

lunch at greek fest

(gyros and baklava and kourambiethes, oh my!),

a visit from a bestest dropping off a handmade gift,

brief napping,

sushi and dessert and baltimore zoos and laughs

(and a glorious rainbow streaked sky)

with my soulmates

day four.

sunday worship,

yummy bbq from buddy's,

glazing pottery,

coldstone birthday cake in a cup

(cake batter + yellow cake + caramel + sprinkles+ whip cream = hello, treadmill!),

goofy golf, i mean, putt-putt (ps i won),

billy bob's wonderland games

(and then relinquishing the tickets to some kiddos),

starbucks spiced cider,

reflexology,

reflecting,

and a movie date with the hubbs...

eeeeek! did i really do all that?

no wonder i slept til noon :)

25 sure feels nice.