lately i've been feeling equal parts both under- and overwhelmed. there's been a lot of busyness combined with a lack of motivation. there's been a lot of waiting and a lot of blind responding. what i mean by of all of this, i guess, is just that i've been suffering from a blurring of priorities. anxiousness. complacency. a lot of wishing with very little doing. basically, i see this version of myself...much lighter, much more proactive, much more fulfilled...a polished version of who i am, and, until now, i haven't been willing to change. and i see this transformation not merely as a destination but as an ever evolving journey.
now, this is a multi-faceted thing i'm dealing with...rooted in the spiritual, the physical, the maternal, the artistic...and on and on...
in terms of this blog, however, my primary goal in creating this space for myself was to connect with fellow artists and creators. to showcase work and follow the lives of those who inspire me. which has happened, quite successfully, to some degree. as in, i feel i have made genuine friendships and have identified areas in which i want to grow and mediums i want to explore. however, i have not managed to actively create anything of my own. not really (in the fine art realm that is). i have a fully stocked studio. i have the time and the opportunity. but fear has made a home in my heart. fear of failure. inadequacy. having been exposed to some very talented, colorful, whimsical people...has indeed left me feeling inspired...but also incapable. dull. unimpressive. such a combination has left my hands empty and this personal space...for the most part...inactive...blank.
this perfectionist, competitive attitude i've harbored for quite some time has tied my hands. and i've allowed it to. and now, i'm ready to push through. i have to. and i can't explain why. my goal is not to worry about whether or not people will love it. or if it's perfect. or if my peers are impressed. i know i have blogged about this before. but really, it's now or never. as most things in life really are.
which brings me to my second realization. i need to use this space. for myself. to document and remember...to purge...and if somebody else out there resonates with what i'm saying...well, that'd be great. but it can't be my motivation. i'm past trying to dazzle and sugarcoat. i do consider myself a positive person. and i do feel, errr, know i am extremely blessed. but i cannot skim things at a surface level any more. i'm hungry to share my burden as well as my joy. i'm done trying to appear endlessly strong. unoffensive. maybe all my photos will be from my phone and maybe my words will be mispelled or incorrectly used and maybe i won't sound sparkly intelligent or witty or create poetry with my syntax. i don't want to fake it. i don't want to rely on acceptance. i don't want to feel forced to write. chained. and i don't want to sound self loathing or pitiful or whiny. what i DO want is to be honest. i want to facilitate my creative process by gaining motivation and momentum through feedback and journaling. i want to document my innermost and speak about issues of the heart, leaving out publically only the very deepest, darkest and most fragile. i want to speak about my art but, more importantly, about my faith...openly and often, if not laced into everything i have to say. i want to encourage, inspire, share, give...i've taken for such a very long time...by purposefully pouring myself out.
i'm going to write seven blogs over the next seven days. i'm going to address fear, anxiety, doubt...and really anything that makes me uncomfortable to talk about.