07 September 2010

an honest dose.

labor day.
sounds innocent enough.
tomorrow i'll be 34 weeks along.
34 weeks.
enough time for a life to be knitted together.

being pregnant has been...
to say the least.

i really had hoped to document the whole experience more.
to take more photos, write out more thoughts and discoveries.
i have managed to keep a simple time line of the when's and how's...
but i think maybe i've been busy living and thinking and feeling
and not as concerned with getting it down.
but i know i'll wish i had...
when this huge step is just another blurry memory.
right now, i'm in the middle of it though.
right now, he's moving my whole entire belly trying to get comfortable.

basically, since finding out we were expecting back in the winter,
it's gone a little something like this:
elation. bewilderment. unquenchable joy. fear. worry. doubt.
guilt. panic. excitement. even greater fear. relief. disbelief.
deep, deep love. anxiety. anticipation.
did i say fear?

i've cried over the Olympics.
i've tossed and turned in bed wanting cantalope so bad i
couldn't sleep.
i've dreamed dreams that could possibly be turned into full length feature films...
sometimes horror flicks.
i've felt too old.
i've felt too young.
i've felt beautiful,
like an empowered goddess,
timelessly connected to the women who lived before me,
like a vessel for growth and mystery.
also, i've felt like a water buffalo.
i have felt spiritually connected.
and emotionally drained.
i've felt so undeservedly blessed.
so, so blessed.
i've enjoyed the attention and pampering,
yet have gotten so tired of not being able to do absolutely everything i'm used to...
i've been tired of being cautious.
i've craved sushi and starbucks very badly.
i've had my mind completely blown by the wonder and power of God
and the intricate details of life and my body's ability to adapt and change.
i've felt time stand still.
i've felt time evaporate.
i've watched my feet swell and my belly grow...and not just my belly.
oh, no, the girls aren't giving up without a fight.
yet, somehow i've only gained 11 pounds?
i've conquered deep rooted fears.
and met new ones.
i've tossed and turned in bed with my back hurting so bad i couldn't sleep.
i've been depressed.
and felt guilty about being depressed.
i've felt like an alien spaceship controlled by a small, highly intelligent being.
i've felt alone.
i've been showered with encouragement and support and affirmation.
i've felt like i'm living out my purpose.
i've fallen more in love with paul.
i've mourned the death of the old me.
and embraced the new one.
and somehow realized i'm exactly the same
though things will forever be different.

no one told me about the hard parts.
i mean, beyond issues of comfort or inconvenience.
no one could have explained the good parts.
words don't even scratch the surface.
i guess i just needed to get some of this off my chest
and out into the world.

perhaps i'll go to bed now...
though i'll be up in two hours to use the bathroom again i'm sure :)


  1. Oh my goodness, you are amazing.
    Thank you so much for sharing this with us, your tribe - and thank you for being a mother.
    I cannot imagine a more deserving parent than the woman who wrote this masterpiece.


  2. wow - what an amazing post! I am so happy to read about your journey - I can't wait to start my own journey into pregnancy and motherhood someday.


  3. I love you so ridiculously much and I am so proud of the woman and mother you are and are going to be!! I am proud of Isaiah and the man that God is creating in Him and talking to me about daily. He is a beautiful heart beat just pounding to get out of there and show the world who he is and how he can glorify his Savior. I love you, I miss you and I am sure as heck LUBNU :)

  4. i've enjoyed reading this over & over again...& just had to say...YOU are so wonderfully BEAUTIFUL...