i close my eyes, and it's 2010.
This past year has held its weight with little victories, obstacles, great joys, failures, bright new ideas, fresh perspectives, old habits, new friends, and the kind of gradual change that goes unnoticed until you step back and see how different things really are.
have you ever thought..."where was i this time last year?"
"what was i doing?"
it's remarkable how many things have shaped my life
in just the past five years.
even last year really.
i graduated college with a fine arts degree, had my first show, gained enough weight that i feel uncomfortable, traveled to south america, celebrated my one year anniversary with my husband, hit the one quarter of a century mark, transformed our house into a home, decided i wanted to make jewelry, got my first paying freelance job, quit my first paying freelance job, got a new photo studio, a new art studio, and almost lost my grandmaw.
that's 2009 for you.
the brevity of it all has been crushing me slightly.
this chain of moments upon moments, fleeting seconds.
already another has gone by.
i love a blank slate. a start over. a redo. forgiveness.
the baggage of the past can be a weighty thing when it goes unchecked.
i love the idea of a new year.
what am i going to do differently?
i need a schedule. i want to write those 'thank you's' and say those 'i love you's.' treat myself better. no fears, i want to just do it (i think i may have heard this somewhere before?). be a better wife, daughter, granddaughter, friend. i need to create more, plan more, plan less...
to name a few.
but here's the doozy:
by nature, i'm an over-thinker.
have been since i was kid.
we just recently watched a home video from when i was in second grade. i patiently waited my turn. i stayed in the back of the huddle until everyone else was finished talking to our teacher, mrs. brown, and giving her her Christmas gifts. the whole time i was drinking it in. you could definitely tell. i was studying. thinking. about what, i have no idea.
but i was in it.
and i still am.
which, can be a good thing.
but i think i'm in it over my head sometimes.
some things don't require thinking, as much as enjoying and feeling.
i do often tell myself:
"sarah, slow down. take it in. absorb it all til it's
dry as a bone."
dry as a bone."
what i have an even harder time with is:
"sarah, slow down. let it go. stop obsessing. stop thinking about THAT.
please just let it go, you are missing it."
because someone once told me,
"wherever you are, be all there."
so, of all things i hope to master this year, i think i need to go back to the very basics.
don't worry about so much. don't compare myself so frequently.
don't hesitate, don't look back.
breathe. taste. feel. touch. listen. smell. rest. work. laugh. love. cry.
don't try to wrap my head around it.
just drink it in.